Move over Oprah! Move over DR. Phil!!
Mike McCullough and Mark Terrana have teamed up and are ready to answer your questions!
Relationships? Life Issues?? Sexual Problems???
Combined we have over 72 years experience! No problem is too BIG or too SMALL!!!
This kind of knowledge would cost millions! But because we are still waiting for our certifications we will do it for free!
Lets hear from you.................
(mikemcculloughandmarkterranaarenotlicensedintheunitedststatesanddonothaveliabilityinsurancesoyoucantsuesorry)
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43 comments:
Dear Mike & Mark,
Tonight I am going to the Tractor Tavern with 3 really great guys and one just OK guy. What shoes should I wear?
Four guys and one girl! Hmmmmmm....
I hope you have a nice pair of sht kickers!
Remember guys dont look at a ladies shoes. Only other women do! But guys respect a woman in boots!
Mike/Mark
If you had recently completed gender reassignment surgery, how would you go about getting rid of unwanted body hair?
Anonymous in Puyallup
To add to Mark I would just make sure the shoes are waterproof.
Ken....err....anonymous,
A normal person would want to invest in a waxing kit but for you, Home Depot carries a nice heavy-duty Black and Decker weed whacker.
Dear M&M,
I've heard that crunchy peanut butter is good for getting out unpleasant stains. I tried this but now my skirt looks like I sat in baby poo. Do you have any other suggestions?
A weed wacker would be a solid choice. But lets look into this a little deeper.
I would not get rid of the hair! What the hair says about you is what's important! Not only are you a new person but you are proud and hairy! I say keep it! Make a statemant!
As for the peanut butter thing! Get real!! We live in a disposable society. Throw it out and buy a new one! OR! Donate it to the Good Will. Keep your receipt and claim $2000.00 of your taxes!
If the stain in low enough turn it into a "Girls Gone Wild" size skirt. This would be a win! win! for everybody. Unless you are anonymous from above with the hair.
The issue of gender reassignment has always been an argument between Mark and myself, but this time I will concede to his recommendation.
Yes! You have hair! Just think of the rest of us that are losing it. Express yourself like Mark said: "I'm here, I'm me and I am hairy!"
One thing you might want to do is wrangle in that forest with some accesories. Check Claire's at the mall and ask them for a few back hair scrunchies. Nothing says "Look at me World!" than some lower back ponytails. It sure makes those lower back tattoos seem boring!
Dear Double M,
So here's the situation...there's this function coming up in the near future that honestly I'd really rather not attend, but see here's the thing, my wife is also invited to this certain function and she apparently really wants to go. First she tells me she doesn't, now she says she does...I'm very confused (and scared). How do I broach this subject with her without being banished to the couch for ever? Thanks for any advice you can give me.
Dear Scared and confused,
This is a text book "Double edge sword situation". I address this in my book "If life is a bowl of cherries why am I always on the couch". The truth is you are screwed either way!
So this is what you do! Follow rule number one of my "Top ten ways to avoid a sexless mariage".
1. Turn a negative into a positive!
On your way home from work make a quick stop and drink as much caffein as possible. Then when you walk in the house greet her with a kiss, tell her you lover her, and then say "(pet name) you are right! I think we should go! It will be a great time and i can't wait to go".
Now you must be a quick read! Hopefully you have some solid poker skills! Watch her eyes very carefully! Wait! always wait for her to speek first! And no matter what don't show any weekness!
If she says "I DONT KNOW" you must think quick! This could be a trap! Respond with "It will be great" or "you can pick out a new outfit".
Now give her some space! Let her think about "The new outfit". If she says YES keep sell'in it! If she says NO act dissapointed! Remember sometimes we must take one for the team! This will keep you off the couch! Always pick your battles carefully! Live to be a jerk another day!
Exactly. By coming in the doorway acting like you really want to go you are throwing her off her game. She is expecting to once again argue with you but since you now agree she will either stop pestering you OR she will argue that you CAN'T go. (Partially due to the need to argue with you, partially due to the fact that you never make the right decision anyway)
More importantly I have two easy questions to help give you your answer:
1. How comfortable is the couch?
2. How close is your couch to the TV?
M@M,
Okay..... I have itchy burning sensation when I urinate....is this something I should tell my doctor?
m@m,
I am running a 2386cc type 1 engine ,a scat86mm crank counter, and wedge weighted, scat h beam 5.7 rods,Comp Eliminator heads 46mm intake,x.38 exaust ported and polished.cima 94 mm pistons, engle cam .587 inch lift,.380 duration, autocraft rocker arms, Demon 750 carb,msd 6al ignition, blaster coil, custom exhaust a 2,300 pound Kennedy clutch. HELP! my friends think I should run 8.4:1 compression...I think it should be 9.2:1 What YOU guys think?
You guys crack me up!! Keep it coming!
Anonymous,
In regards to the burning you experience while urinating, whatever you do DO NOT tell the doctor what you were doing to cause this. Those sort of things are best kept to yourself, the male giggalo and the chimpanzee with the bow tie. Just use the excuse that you were wearing too small of undergarments or maybe you ate some bad seafood.
I recommend this because we all know how those nurses can't keep a secret. If I had a dime for every e-mail Anne Marie Topacio sent out about the crazy things her patients were doing...all with names included and even some with pictures!
So in conclusion cut back on the sodium, drink lots of water, and for heavens sake wash your hands after you eat spicy chicken wings and before you use the restroom.
Mark, I know you have experienced plenty of burning urination, what do you recommend?
Kerry,
Are you building a car or a lawn mower? Come on man! GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!!! Your freinds are always trying to hold you back. It's penis envey! Show them your the man.
Jesus Mike! I thought we were going to keep that burning thing quiet!
Ok, Since it's out I will tell you what to do! You actually have several options here. I find its easiest to see the Vet! Tell them Rover has a problem! Or go to the closest Biker Bar. Have a few beers and just ask around! If all else fails try a week in Canada. I'm sure knowbody will know you there.
There are some quick fix methods out there but i don't recomend them. Such as soaking the burning area in a tall glass of cold milk. This will only spoil your love for milk and can be a little tuff explaining if you get caught. The other includes a Q-tip, a bottle of Vodka and a good freind. Enough said!!!!
Oh my god, you guys are hysterical.
But I think I'll just tag along with Steph next time she goes out. Why do the married ones get all the action???
Dear Mike & Mark -
I'm an SW - can you give me some pick-up lines to use on the SM's at the reunion?
Kerry,
Compression ratios can be deceiving. Sometimes going to a higher ration can cause a decrease in performance depending on the setup.
What sort of fuel are you planning on running? Standard pump or some specialty? And will this be for racing only or do you want drivability for day to day use?
Assuming your displacement of 2386cc was determined through:
BORE X BORE X STROKE X .0031416 = 2386cc and your swept volume of one cylinder being 2386cc divided by 4 = 596.5cc, you might need to provide a deck volume for each cylinder then we can determine further the best compression ratio for your needs.
Now what does this all mean? It means I went to google and typed in Compression Ratio Formula, then cut and pasted.
Get a big fart can muffler, some TypeR stickers and a gigantic wing spoiler on the back. Nothing says fast like stickers and an ill-fitting spoiler.
Why do all the married ones get all the action?
Hey Mike! Are you getting any action?
Dear SW,
Are you the same person as Hairy gender reassignment guy?
Ok, This is my advice for meeting single guys at the reunion. NO PICK UP LINE NEEDED!!!!!!!
It is a proven fact that men think about sex every few seconds. All men need is an opportunity! Pick your target, walk up to him, and say hello! Tell him how young he looks and BOOM!!! You are on your way.
Things to watch out for!! Why are guys single at 38?
Still live at home. "Issues"
Works for Post Office. "Issues"
Gender reassignment. "Confused"
Married several times. "Likes pain"
All of the above."Pathetic"
Mike, I know you have the lines buddy! I love the one you use about "Space Pants"! I'm dieing to hear some!
So - then should I skip the 38 yr olds, do a 'Demi' and go out with younger men?
No, 38 year olds are fine. Just avoid the pathetic ones!
Maybe we have a SM in the house?
Mike and Mark
My husband wants to dye my hair Ferrari red. I think that people will think that I'm the crazy one when really it's him. Should I let him do it?
Dear Anonymous SW,
Mark made some very good points in his post. There are just a few pick up lines women can use when approaching someone. The most successful are usually "Hi" and "Is this seat taken?" Men are very simple and take very little to catch their attention. Being a 38 year-old male and single isn't a bad thing. Just be very careful of the ones that work at Boeing.
Straight to the point is probably your best choice.
From my experience pickup lines rarely if ever work. Even my best line of "Do you like Pi? Well I got 3.14 for you baby!" failed most of the time. Followed by laughing and pointing. Hmmmmm....
Dear M&M,
I am very bad at small talk. Mostly I start with Pi and work my way to other transcendentals, like e for example. It's not working for me as well as it used to what with the internet and everything now. So I was wondering, will a mastery of paint shop pro increase my chances of becoming popular like you guys?
No room left for Pi,
JW
Steph,
I think your husban is confused. The saying is fiery red head! Not Ferrari red head! Used in a sentance it would be like this. I would love to drive a Ferrari! Your husban is already driving a fiery red head! See! Its just a mistake! So simple!
First of all you need to go by J-DUB!! See my initiatls are MT but you can call me EM-TEE!! After that you need to make a promise! Repeat after me! I (J-DUB) will only use Pi when it's necessary! Which is almost never!! Now you are on the path! You don't see Tony Soprano saying Pi this and Pi that! Or what the Pi!! Do you?
Now.....Get some black boots, camo cargo shorts, And a T-shirt that reads "Bad to the Bone"!! Maybe a tatoo that says "pi off" but don't spell it Pi use the symbol!
And try to use the word DAWG as much as possible! Like "What up DAWG".
And finally.....trade the Volvo in for a BMW 7 series! I know you got the cash!
Much love J-Dub!!
Dear Mike and Mark,
Why do you have so many pictures of Ken? Is there something we should know? Or, maybe your wives should know?
Jason,
Only the real cool people use the term 'photoshop' so make sure if you are using Paint Shop Pro or even MS Paint to say you 'Photoshopped' a picture. You could go one step further in your badass-ness and say 'Photochopped', but use it sparingly.
Combine that with the camo pants, black boots and old school aviator glasses and you have a look that no one will mess with:
"Yo Dawgs, out of my way before I go Sephia filter on your ass!". Or "Don't mess with me, I've got Posturize with an itchy trigger finger."
If you need some pointers on using the software, let me know. I have spent the last 24 hours modifying a picture. I have to say it might be my best work yet:
Masterpiece
Stephanie,
There are a few ways to take your husbands request to dye your hair red.
1. Miscommunication like Mark said
2. It's a compliment. A Ferrari is the standard for flashy, exciting, fast paced fun. He just thinks it will be fitting for you.
3. Italian sports cars have a tendency to leak after a number of years. This may be his way of telling you to check with the doctor.
Either way be happy he didn't ask for "Ford Pinto Brown", "Baja Bug Yellow", or even "Pacer Purple"
"Why do you have so many pictures of Ken? Is there something we should know? Or, maybe your wives should know?"
We had a Ken in our class?
Mike! You used Ken and class in the same sentence again.
How many times do we have to go over that?? G-eeesh!!
Dear M&M,
I am 38 year old SM. I have always been shy and can never seem to say the right things to SW. Knowing that Mark has always been able to get the hottest cheerleader in HS, maybe he has some ideas. oh and I dont live at home...or any of those other things that would qualify as pathetic. and does size really matter? I really need an answer to that question too. I have also heard that reunions are a good place to find a new friend or rekindle an old friendship..what do you think?
Signed, SM38
Dear SM,
I will assume that in your case the SM means Small Male! Guys that are HM (Huge Male) don't usually ask the size question. You might be a MM (Medium male) that just has some shrinkage issues! Either way don't panic! Maybe you will meet a girl with a SV! One thing to always remember, Sex for women is emotional! They want someone to bond with, sex only comes after an emotional connection. If they truly like you size wont matter! This brings me to the SM golden rule! "It's not the size of the tool but how you use it!"
I believe that there is a perfect match for you out there somewhere. You just have to be ready when it comes along. Please don't confuse ready with over aggressive. Your girl will like you for who you are not an over aggressive horn dog! So play it cool!
Being shy can help! I was a shy kid back in the day and it worked for me. It turned out that Nani had a shy side like me. Because I was shy I think she trusted me. And the rest is history.
If you go to the reunion with meeting someone in mind you might be putting too much pressure on the event. As you may have read in Jinky's post Love finds it's way! All you can do is be ready!
I will lend you these valuable hints on how to play it cool at the reunion.
1. Stuff a few slices of lunch meat in your pants. This will keep you feeling loose plus put out a meat odor that women love!
2. Don't over dress or under dress! A suit is going too far! A dirty tee shirt is a mistake! Also avoid any clothing that is 80ish!
3. Because it's been 20 years you can approach anybody! Even if you didn't know them! Free hugs baby!
Good luck MM38!
I WILL BE OUT OF MY OFFICE UNTIL MONDAY JUNE 23RD. I AM GOING FISHING IN ALASKA WITH DR.TINGLEY. UNTIL THEN MIKE WILL BE ON CALL!
MAYBE KEN CAN HELP WITH A FEW QUESTIONS!
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND ALL!!!
Hey there SM38 -
How you doin'!?
;)
SW
Dear Mark and Mike,
I hope you can help me! I have no where else to turn. *insert dramatic pause here* I am supposed to RSVP for this event coming up soon and the leader of the committee keeps threatening to send hit men, persuasion engineers, after me if I don't RSVP soon. The problem is my car got a flat and needed to be replaced (to the tune of $150 bucks), my kids need dental work (braces are such a pain!), we have a family get together coming up in Dallas that will cost us, and air fare is just so expensive!!!! ACK!!
What can I do to make my life end up like Cinderella's? I want to go to the ball!!!
Sincerely,
The pumpkin that needs a coach.
Did I correctly read that Mark is "going fishing with Dr. Tingley"?
This sounds very, very dirty to me. Euphemisms are usually less transparent than this!
Yikes! I hope he doesn't catch anything.
Cordially,
J-dub
Pumpkin Headed Princess,
Sorry for the slow response but with Mark out of the office fishing and myself spending the weekend watching my two boys parade around in skirts.....er....kilts all weekend, it's been a busy few days. So on to your question:
This upcoming 'event' you speak of only happens every 10 years. It's a great chance to see old friends and reconnect with people. The leader of the committee is pressuring you only because they know this will be a great experience. I know money can be tight so here are some tips to help save for this 'event':
1. Flat tire. $150? What the heck? Don't you ever shop at Costco? I got 4 tires, a 5 gallon bucket of Nacho Cheese sauce and a 50 pack of garden hoses for $149. What are you driving, a monster truck?
2. Braces. You have some options here. The British are stereotypically known for poor dental work. I would suggest renting the Monty Python's Flying Circus DVD set for your kids, and only talk with a British accent around the house. Work in phrases like "Cheery-o", "Pip Pip", and "Aye there Guvna" as much as you can. Facial hair can also be used to your kids advantage. A bushy mustache can hide even the worst set of teeth. This might require some hormone treatments depening on age / gender.....
3. Family get together in Dallas. I would ask Mr Wetzel for confirmation but this time of year in Dallas is too hot and humid for normal humans and only suited for reptilians. Tell them you aren't a Sleestack and they should all come to Seattle for a get together.
4. RSVP though e-mail then say the check is in the mail. Heck, there is only 5 weeks or so left before the reunion and they are busy enough...How would they know if you paid or not? :)
Good day all!
I have returned from Alaska with a refreshed attitude, freezer full of Halibut and a new found respect for Bears! Mike and Mark are back in business!
Dear PHP,
Skip the trip! Fix your car and say Yeah Baby to braces! Braces will allow your kids to grow up, meet somebody and eventually move out, saving you BIG BUCKS in the future! As they say in Dallas "get'er done!"
Dear J-Dub,
The good Dr and I went to Alaska for the Halibut! We came back with plenty of Salmon but no Redsnappers!
Mr Mike-n-Mark,
This question is a little tuff for me to discuss. My wife wants me to get a Vasectomy! I am very afraid! I have heard somtimes the twins will swell like a balloon. Could this effect my horse riding? Will I be less of a man? Please tell me what to do?
Thanks,
ButterNut CRUNCH!
Mr Nut Crunch,
You are between a rock and a hard place my freind. If you choose to fight this topic with your wife you will end up sexless and on the couch like one of our earlier writers. If you choose to have this done you will suffer the trama of having somebody snipping around your most sensitive area, plus you need to make sure the "GUN IS NOT LOADED" causing several minutes of "ALONE TIME" shaking the conditioner!
Here is my advice. I will call this the "Ride the Poney drill". Agree to have the clipage! But! Not until you have complained your way into some serious benifits. Think BIG on this one. Vegas trip with your buddies, Time for your favorite activities, A little extra lovin, Maybe that new toy you have been wanting. Once you have what you want it's ok to remove the grapes from the vine.
Most men settle too easy on this topic. Remember you will only be less of a man if you don't get anything in return!
Good luck!
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